“Once Upon A Time” is how life begins, and “Happily Ever After” is how we are taught the saga plays itself out. If only real life were so simple. As impressionable young girls we are led to believe that fairy tales can and do exist. Forever is a real and tangible possibility. That Love is a lasting feeling that carries us through even the roughest spots in the road of life we travel. No one tells us about the potholes, the pitfalls, or the cliffs that will present along our journey into womanhood. As we take a spouse; believing that we have found that soul mate that will elate our souls giving wing and flight to carry us breathlessly and effortlessly through the journey which lies ahead. Never were we warned about the mundane existence that becomes the life of a woman as she falls into the world of motherhood and housework. Overwhelmed by the world that has immersed her soul, it is all she can do to keep her head above the drowning waters. Lost... a soul forgotten... tears find her as she lies down at night to sleep, Hoping beyond all hope that in her dreams she will find peace and tranquility that will help her make it through just one more day. This is her plea, her prayer, each and every night.
The heart yearns for just one moment in time that will carry her through. A touch, a glance, something tangible to hold on to and never let slip away. Something that is just enough to give her a glimpse of a fairytale long forgotten. She aches for that all encompassing feeling, that lives only in this moment, unable to ever be captured again. It takes your breath away yet at the same time breathes new life into a once ruined soul. It grants peace in the mere knowledge that perfect Love exists, no matter how fleeting it may be. It cannot be reproduced, although the heart yearns and suffers for that simplistic influence with every breath taken. It is indescribable, as words don’t begin to brush the edge of this divine emotion. Shared only by two people that have a deep connection that transcends all boundaries of heaven and earth. A voyeuristic journey into the soul, as though I am Alice peering through the looking glass in beguiling wonderment. This is true Love. This instance that gives life, expelling all else, and renewing the woman locked away within. Dreaming and hoping for a promise that was given her as a small child, something tangible that will overcome all opposition, and bring her to a place of rest. That place where eternity is real, where Love abounds, and fairy tales come true.
For not only myself, but for my daughters, and their daughters to come after them... for all those who are lost and yearning .... I wish for each of us, that one simple moment where truth prevails and that brief moment reminds us that Love is real, Love exists, Love is all encompassing. May it linger in our hearts and souls until the ends of time.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
He Sat With Me
I jolted awake from a dead sleep, physically shaking. Feelings as though the weight of the world had just been heaped on my shoulders, and my head was reeling trying to make sense of these sudden feelings. I don't recall dreaming, and for me, it is uncommon to not dream, and just as uncommon for me not to remember my dream. Dreams are vivid for me, in color and I very much feel like I am an active participant. At this moment in time, I have no recall of what woke me or why I feel so unsettled. But I do know, I have been involved in something very traumatic.
Gathering myself, I climb from bed and make rounds throughout the house to check on each child. All safe and sound, the doors still locked, the house is not on fire... yet I feel no comfort in this. What is it... why am I so upset and physically afraid? As I climb back into bed, trying to get passed this, I lay quietly, trying my hardest not to think and just drift back into a slumber. My efforts were fruitless. The longer I lay there in the darkness ans silence, the more I feel alone and despair, until the tears began to stream freely from my eyes.
My body wracked with sadness, aches and hurts physically. My heart is beating feverishly, feeling as though it could implode at any moment. Breathing is rapid and it almost hurts with every breath I take. My body is trembling as though something had frightened me terribly. All the while beside me, my husband slumbers unaware.
More tightly, I curl up, my hands in my hair, my arms covering my face... I am sobbing freely. My mind is spinning and I can't help but whisper to myself, "Please... help me." I am overwhelmed, I feel lost. I don't know why, but it scares me to the core of my being.
As I felt I was reaching the brink of losing all hope and sanity, ready to scream... I felt a tender hand reach for me... a hand stroked my hair and came to rest firmly yet tenderly on my back. My body relaxed a bit, and I was able to feel the comfort wash over me. Arms were wrapped around me drawing me into his chest... I could hear his heartbeat and it was soothing. His arms tightened holding securely and I felt his head bow to mine and rest there, never faltering. I was wrapped in warmth, relaxing in it, finding peace. There I lay as he held me... time immeasurable...Until finally I feel myself drifting back to sleep.
I take one last glance at my husband... he is still sleeping, hadn't moved an inch, facing away from me snuggled into his pillows. I curled further into the arms embracing me, those arms I couldn't see but felt with every fiber in my being...I closed my eyes....and slept.
I don't know how long I lay there in this wretched agony, completely fallen apart, and unable to shake the feelings. May have been minutes may have been hours. It seemed like forever. My head still cannot make sense of what woke me and why I was consumed by despair. Yet, I do know, that as I was lost in utter darkness, in my time of complete desperation, he came to me and sat with me. He wrapped his arms around me, releasing me of the anguish and pain and surrounding me in his Love.
Gathering myself, I climb from bed and make rounds throughout the house to check on each child. All safe and sound, the doors still locked, the house is not on fire... yet I feel no comfort in this. What is it... why am I so upset and physically afraid? As I climb back into bed, trying to get passed this, I lay quietly, trying my hardest not to think and just drift back into a slumber. My efforts were fruitless. The longer I lay there in the darkness ans silence, the more I feel alone and despair, until the tears began to stream freely from my eyes.
My body wracked with sadness, aches and hurts physically. My heart is beating feverishly, feeling as though it could implode at any moment. Breathing is rapid and it almost hurts with every breath I take. My body is trembling as though something had frightened me terribly. All the while beside me, my husband slumbers unaware.
More tightly, I curl up, my hands in my hair, my arms covering my face... I am sobbing freely. My mind is spinning and I can't help but whisper to myself, "Please... help me." I am overwhelmed, I feel lost. I don't know why, but it scares me to the core of my being.
As I felt I was reaching the brink of losing all hope and sanity, ready to scream... I felt a tender hand reach for me... a hand stroked my hair and came to rest firmly yet tenderly on my back. My body relaxed a bit, and I was able to feel the comfort wash over me. Arms were wrapped around me drawing me into his chest... I could hear his heartbeat and it was soothing. His arms tightened holding securely and I felt his head bow to mine and rest there, never faltering. I was wrapped in warmth, relaxing in it, finding peace. There I lay as he held me... time immeasurable...Until finally I feel myself drifting back to sleep.
I take one last glance at my husband... he is still sleeping, hadn't moved an inch, facing away from me snuggled into his pillows. I curled further into the arms embracing me, those arms I couldn't see but felt with every fiber in my being...I closed my eyes....and slept.
I don't know how long I lay there in this wretched agony, completely fallen apart, and unable to shake the feelings. May have been minutes may have been hours. It seemed like forever. My head still cannot make sense of what woke me and why I was consumed by despair. Yet, I do know, that as I was lost in utter darkness, in my time of complete desperation, he came to me and sat with me. He wrapped his arms around me, releasing me of the anguish and pain and surrounding me in his Love.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Be Still My Heart
There are days in this life's journey, when we wonder what we are even doing here in the first place. When you have one of those weeks... you know the ones... the car breaks down, a kid gets sick, another needs a significant amount of money for some activity that you forgot was coming up, and on top of it... 2 of your major appliances decide they have overextended their usefulness, and give up the ghost. Yes, I have these weeks all too often. Those horrible times when it tests your best resolve. This was one of those months for me. Seems to have been never ending. One thing after another. No reprieve in sight.
I like to think that after my initial "freak out" and "over stressed" moments, that I handle adversity quite well. My family and friends may have a different opinion on that particular point. Regardless, I still think that once I have had a chance to wrap my head around a situation, envision the outcome in my mind, I can readily find a solution.
This past week has been my "meltdown week". I say melt down as that is what my little guy has when he feels overwhelmed and cannot find a way to cope on his own. Unfortunately... we both had trouble this week. Tests and trials one after another kept filling my days. I don't know how I got through it. But somehow I came out the other end of my week with it all under control and issues resolved by the end of the day on friday.
On saturday I received an interesting package in the mail. It was a wonderfully written letter with sheet music and recording of the sheet music. The letter lifted my spirits as I read... "I have observed many great ladies. They with their wisdom, dignity, and presence are a great blessing to all around them. Their influence is quiet yet powerful. I have sensed that in you. Thank you for what you are."
I was awe struck. Me? This was talking about me? Although my idea of who I am, vastly differs, it was still very uplifting to hear from someone that they see this kind of wonderful in me. Large ideas to live up to, but perhaps... this person has seen in me those brief glimmers of someone who is 'some kind of wonderful'
My saturday chugged along with much to get ready for church the following day. I knew it would be a good sunday. I did not have a lesson this week, and my daughter was doing a special part of the lesson for the women in our ward. She had been practicing all week to sing in front of all these people. I knew she was nervous. But also knew she would do well.
Sunday came and my sacrament meeting didnt quiet turn out as I had planned. A new lady with 3 very small children was visiting. Her two year old made her way to where we were sitting, and I scooped her up in my lap and kept her entertained throughout the services. One of the young men in front of us entertained the older boy, and mom sat across the isle holding the fussy baby. As the services came to an end, the children left with their mother. One of our elderly sisters made a point to come and tell me how she had observed me, and filled my ears with praises. I guess this is what was being spoken to me about in that letter. It kind of took me aback. Yet, was also an eye opening moment.
Near the end of our time at church, My daughter and 2 other young girls were to sing for the womens class at the end of their lesson. I took her to the room and stood quietly in a corner as she prepared for her musical rendition. As the melody came out of her small frame, my heart skipped, my breath caught, and it was as if the heavens opened and angels were singing. The other girls sang well too, but it was my daughter who hit the high notes, pulling at the strings of our hearts. Beautiful did not begin to describe the feeling in that room, as many women wiped at their eyes as tears welled.
Sometimes we are given tests in life, the ones that test our resolve and push us to the brink where we don't think we can handle another moment. And then, there is the reward... and it doesn't come from finding a hidden fortune or just a small reprieve of peace. It often shows itself in others... the real reason we are here. The people whose lives I touch as they see me in service of others, the people who see greatness in me that I may not have noticed, and the simple joy I receive daily of being a mother. Bringing to life that special little girl of mine who touched a room full of ladies with her simple song.
Be still my heart... Life is good.
I like to think that after my initial "freak out" and "over stressed" moments, that I handle adversity quite well. My family and friends may have a different opinion on that particular point. Regardless, I still think that once I have had a chance to wrap my head around a situation, envision the outcome in my mind, I can readily find a solution.
This past week has been my "meltdown week". I say melt down as that is what my little guy has when he feels overwhelmed and cannot find a way to cope on his own. Unfortunately... we both had trouble this week. Tests and trials one after another kept filling my days. I don't know how I got through it. But somehow I came out the other end of my week with it all under control and issues resolved by the end of the day on friday.
On saturday I received an interesting package in the mail. It was a wonderfully written letter with sheet music and recording of the sheet music. The letter lifted my spirits as I read... "I have observed many great ladies. They with their wisdom, dignity, and presence are a great blessing to all around them. Their influence is quiet yet powerful. I have sensed that in you. Thank you for what you are."
I was awe struck. Me? This was talking about me? Although my idea of who I am, vastly differs, it was still very uplifting to hear from someone that they see this kind of wonderful in me. Large ideas to live up to, but perhaps... this person has seen in me those brief glimmers of someone who is 'some kind of wonderful'
My saturday chugged along with much to get ready for church the following day. I knew it would be a good sunday. I did not have a lesson this week, and my daughter was doing a special part of the lesson for the women in our ward. She had been practicing all week to sing in front of all these people. I knew she was nervous. But also knew she would do well.
Sunday came and my sacrament meeting didnt quiet turn out as I had planned. A new lady with 3 very small children was visiting. Her two year old made her way to where we were sitting, and I scooped her up in my lap and kept her entertained throughout the services. One of the young men in front of us entertained the older boy, and mom sat across the isle holding the fussy baby. As the services came to an end, the children left with their mother. One of our elderly sisters made a point to come and tell me how she had observed me, and filled my ears with praises. I guess this is what was being spoken to me about in that letter. It kind of took me aback. Yet, was also an eye opening moment.
Near the end of our time at church, My daughter and 2 other young girls were to sing for the womens class at the end of their lesson. I took her to the room and stood quietly in a corner as she prepared for her musical rendition. As the melody came out of her small frame, my heart skipped, my breath caught, and it was as if the heavens opened and angels were singing. The other girls sang well too, but it was my daughter who hit the high notes, pulling at the strings of our hearts. Beautiful did not begin to describe the feeling in that room, as many women wiped at their eyes as tears welled.
Sometimes we are given tests in life, the ones that test our resolve and push us to the brink where we don't think we can handle another moment. And then, there is the reward... and it doesn't come from finding a hidden fortune or just a small reprieve of peace. It often shows itself in others... the real reason we are here. The people whose lives I touch as they see me in service of others, the people who see greatness in me that I may not have noticed, and the simple joy I receive daily of being a mother. Bringing to life that special little girl of mine who touched a room full of ladies with her simple song.
Be still my heart... Life is good.
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