It never ceases to amaze me , the twists and turns that becomes the new direction in my life. I know, in my heart of hearts, that each turn is a new adventure, each twist is a new learning opportunity, each task is an opprotunity is some form or another... be is something for myself, or something I am to be the instrument in which to extend the opportunity.
As of late, I have turned yet another corner. It began with me believing that this new obstacle was a teaching opportunity for me. Wow was I ever wrong there! What an eye opening experience these past 4 weeks have been as I have come to realize that my part in this new adventure is but a small one. Yes, there are teaching opprtunities for me, in that I was correct. But there are so many more learning opportunites that I am receiving. I have realized how very small minded I was in thinking this was solely about me and what I had to offer.
As my prodigal son returned home after 8 years, It is quite an upheaval in the homelife as each of us face new tests before us. We dont know this young man anymore. he is not the person we remember, and the boy we all knew and loved, is buried so deeply, and long since forgotten, that we wonder if there is anyway to draw him back out. Moreso, is it even possible 'he' still exisits in there? Is it possible to scrape away any of the anguish, dispair, and societal influence that have corrupted and encased the young boy I once held in my arms and hugged so tightly? There is that part of me who holds out hope that I can brak through walls, that I can scrape away old scars, that I can rescue the trapped boy inside.... but another part of me sees this man before me, and I relinquish that hope and wish for any small moments I can snag along the way.
My other children have been effected by this upheaval in our routines. My boys no longer know their brother. Sibling bonds are nonexisitent anymore. It is like having a distant family member visiting ... for a very long visit. The most interaction any of them have, is watching a sports program on TV in the evening. They still prefer what their lives were before their brother arrived. Sure, they include him... to an extent... but for the most part, that is even awkward since their lifestyles and choices are complete opposites. The two little ones go on about things as if he isnt there most of the time. The moments do occur when the littlest one is intruded upon by his oldest brother. Being autistic, and having his own special routines and items that can not be used by anyone else, it can be a big upheaval in his day when his brother is ignorant to the inner workings around the home to accomodate the youngest.
As I try to encourage, uplift, guide, and teach... I find my patience weak and thinning. As a mother I want the trasformation NOW... I want MY son back 'now'... not 'later'... and the idea of 'not at all', is a haunting possibility. My boys try to bring the Gospel to their brother, and give him hope of new and great things that his life can hold. Such missionaries they are, and such examples to me they have become. How was I to know that I would see before me, two strippling warriors armed at the ready. It is hard to look at them as my baby boys when they sit erect, with scriptures in hand, teaching.
I sure have my work cut out for me. That is for sure. As I learn, I work, I grow, I listen, I teach, and I observe... I am growing myself. I reach for that word of HOPE again, and pray that my prodigal son has his eyes opened and can see that I too am growing and changing with him. I grasp for any HOPE that his heart will be softened and he will let in the love of his family and WANT to have all that is good restored to him. It is already there for the taking, he just has to reach for it. Again... I lean towards HOPE that he will have the strength to take that step and grasp ahold of that which has been offered... that he will realize how much he needs and wants it for himself... never again wanting to let go.
I close this muddled rambling with a simple prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the opportunities and many facets of growth that our entire family has been given. I ask but simply, that his hand will guide us, that the spirit with strengthen us, that his Love will fill us.
May we all pass this test, and come out all the better for having lived it.
