My Legacy

Dreams...

2011-10-30T12:55:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had one of those dreams that when you wake up, it just felt so real, that it sticks with you? You wake up feeling anxious because it was scarey, sad because it was difficult, or excited because of its great news or positive message... Well last night I had one of those kinds of dreams. It was quite interesting that... you were a intricate part in it. Here is what I remember... and I remember a lot, and I dream in color. So imagine how very real it felt to me.

I was sitting in the foyer at church talking to the bishop who was relaying to me how Tanner has things he needs to do on his mission and his actions can impact our family either adversely or positively. If he chooses to not follow the things he is outlined and abide by the rules, then our whole family could be the ones who suffer for his wrong doings. It was as though he was warning me. I realize this stems from the fact that I know that Tanner is doing things he shouldnt be doing while on his mission and it bothers me that he has not humbled himself to follow ALL the rules. So yes, looking into my dream now, I can pick out things that make sense as to the context of some of my dream.

The next thing I remember was sitting in the cultural hall with my kids at a table. Not typical tables and chairs but these were cafeteria type tables. Across the gym walks in Brother & Sister Knight (who are currently serving a mission in the Canary Islands). I was not surprised to see them and they came and sat beside me. They asked me if tanner had been writing home. Not e-mails, but writing, where he had to sit and reflect on his days spent and actually have to recount his activities and see the blessings. I replied No. Only email, and they are very brief. Brother Knight tells me it is imparative that he focus on hand writing Home. His growth will expound by doing this because he will have to take time to reflect on what his mission is all about. He has time, not limited time like he has with the computer. Encourage his to do this. Sister Knight then pulls out 2 letters they had received from Tanner, hand written, and said to me “He is doing fine. Don’t worry.” They both hugged me and walked out of the room. Tanner told me weeks ago he had written me a letter but it has never arrived. I know it is lost somewhere in the mail system, and I don’t know if I will ever get it. Feels like a lost little piece of him that I can’t attain.

Jordan and I make our way out the door of the gym and turn to look down the hallway. We stop in front of the Relief society room as I see 3 young men walking side by side towards us, smiling. Each wearing white shirts, ties, and dark pants. No missionary badges, and they were so much like grown men to me. All were smiling and fixed their eyes on me as they walked toward us. I instantly began to cry as I saw who it was... Each of you. Zac, Derek, and Jim. In turn each of you hugged me, and Zac tells me “We know you are missing tanner this holiday, so we are ‘home’ to spend them with you in his stead.” All of you smiling now from ear to ear. Jim steps toward me and holds out a blue envelope saying “I went to the post office, searched and found this for you. I know you have been waiting for it.” It was the letter tanner said he had sent that I never got. I hugged you tight Jim and cried.

Next thing I remember is that we were all sitting at the house at the table talking. Zac chimes in “ I understand Jordan will be serving in China on his mission.” I asked you how you knew that, and you replied “I just do.” You look at Derek who nods in agreement and adds “Alleah will be serving in Australia, and Alex is going to Brazil.” I asked How do you guys know this, in disbelief. Looking into your laps, then with conviction that only you Zac, could ever convince me of, you tell me with a quiet peaceful tone in your voice saying ”The same way Jim knew you needed that letter.”

I don’t remember anything else except waking up feeling kind of sad, but also felt like I had a wonderful visit with my 3 favorite missionaries. I don’t know why my dream was what it was. But I am sure there are parts of my psyche that are unsettled that played a large part in it. I also believe that things I was told, were things that was being told to me in a way I would hear, understand, and accept them... perhaps the Lord was counseling me. As for the 3 of you... I guess the knowing that I can always find comfort in the 3 young men that had holidays in my home while they served their missions, and how much I appreciate, respect, and adore each of you... makes perfect sense why thoughts and memories of each of you were sent.

As for Zac & Derek... if my kids go to China, Australia, and Brazil... just know I am going to come find you for this prophesy! Wouldn’t that be just entirely crazy weird?! I Love you all!

All Was Lost (She Couldn't Hold On.)

2011-10-17T21:02:00.003-05:00

Pinned to a wall
the fury raging at her face
her battered body
black and blue
showed the path
this tornado traced

Through sheer will
she held strong through the pain
the pounding thunder
the howling winds
tears at her skin
with piercing torrent rain

She was caught
in the wake of the storm
all is lost
if she can’t hold on
anymore

She forces a smile
who would care anyway
her soul is shattered
beaten down
with open wounds
the memories replay

She was caught
in the wake of the storm
all is lost
if she doesn’t hold on
anymore

She is broken
his wrath flies at her again
there’s no escape
his anger's a hurricane
a wake of destruction
fear and pain.

She was caught
in the wake of the storm
all is lost
if she couldn’t hold on
anymore

She was caught
in the wake of his storm
she was lost
and just couldn’t hold on
anymore

The Little Crooked House

2011-10-13T17:14:00.001-05:00

There was a little house
Great Grandma lived inside
Whilst stepping through the door
The floor she could not hide.

It had a little hill
And a valley came up next
The undulating movement
Left us feeling quite perplexed.

Up and down the floor did pitch
With curves of every kind
How the furniture stayed in place
Nearly blew my mind.

Up then down and back again
This floor did seem to wave
Around the house it did not stop
Convex and then concave.

We sat a visited quietly
Then hugged Grandma at the door
Why bless her heart we took with us
The memory of her crooked floor.

Can You See Me

2011-10-13T17:13:00.004-05:00

Can you see me for who I really am
underneath the fear that burdens me?
Can you see what I want to do
without someone telling me who I can be?

Can you see that I am broken
from years of being held down?
Can you see how I want to be free
And smile instead of frown?

Can you see the shattered pieces
I am deperately struggling to repair
taking steps each day to find my way
relying on a wisper of the wind, carrying my prayer.

Can you see how you open me
to all that is possible with time?
The thought of success for even a moment
is painful yet equally sublime.

Can you see that it isnt you
in who I dont believe?
The truth be known, now witness unfolding
as I admit, the falling short, is in me.

Can you see I am afraid,
from a life ridden with hurt and pain
I am trying my best to heal my heart
and learning to live again.

Please help me Lord, I'm trying
Holding fast to your word I pray
To help me go forth, doing thy will
Simply taking this life day by day.

Let Go, and Let Me Go.

2011-10-02T13:47:00.004-05:00

The past is over, and I cant live
if pain is standing in my way,
I have to open my heart to God
If in his presence I wish to be one day.

I won't live in my mistakes
letting them cause me pain,
I have released the ties
to my heartaches and fears
Finding my way to the Lord again.

If you open your heart an fly
Shed your tears and let them fall
Drop your cares at the feet of Angels
Break down the concrete wall
Let the hurts no longer own you
Let happiness take its flight
Remember that faith is freedom
Let the Love of God take sight.

I've left the past behind me
Moved on and closed that door
I've laid down my heavy sorrows
Let go ... and let me go, in faith,
Where I am whole once more.

Life Happens

2011-09-26T08:58:00.002-05:00

Life doesn’t make sense... it just happens.
We cant control the way the wind blows,
We cant control the ebb and flow of the tides.
There's no mending a broken heart when all the
pieces are scattered throughout moments in time.
Leave the past behind, start here, start now
Hold tight to each other and take the wild ride;
because Life doesnt make sense... it just happens.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Moments that something comes through... and has to be quickly recorded as I put my life, thoughts and feelings into context as I continue on my journey to writing my novel, my life story... and shed my personal cocoon. Just wanted to record it here, for sake of time frame in my life, and because sometimes... a few written lines just seem to say it all.

Harvest AL Tornado 4/27/11

2011-07-01T08:10:00.005-05:00

After the Tornados hit us on April 27th, 2011, many people have looked at pictures and tell me" the pictures speak volumes"... yet as day by day we drive through our neighborhood, taking children to school, visiting friends and neighbors without power, going to work... we look at the footage and media and think "the pictures dont do justice." Trying to capture what we are really seeing is virtually impossible. I took a picture driving down the road less than 1/2 mile from the house. The basics, when looking at the picture, people see a few power lines on the road, a downed power pole, and some broken trees. What we see is so very much different. Its not what IS there in the pictures that tells the real story, its what isn't there. Missing from the pictures are the power poles that typically line our streets, the tall 100 year old trees that are now uprooted and reduced to broken sticks, the lush tree lines that wound throughout our community are no longer, the absence of homes, cars, fences, and childrens play yards. The raw naked truth...its not what you see, but what you dont. If this isnt difficult enough to bare, listening to commentary inside the car makes the drive all the more difficult. My 10 yr old daughter gasps and cries as we pass her friends home that is no longer standing. My 17 year old son murmuring "Oh my gosh Mom" over and over as we pass by destroyed homes of neighbors and fellow church members. The utterences of shock and dismay as we realize that littering the ground is a whole housing community that has no signs of houses having ever been there.

Our hearts ache as we see our beautiful community reduced to what now resembles a trash dump. We all seem to be waiting for the other shoe to drop.... wondering if we can breathe again and really start picking up the pieces. We all tense as we hear that another storm is on the way... afraid of what it will be and what it will do to our already damaged homes. We are afraid to put our generators away, our 72 hour emergency kits, and put our homes back in the best order we can because we are all still very much shaken and afraid. This is OUR HOME, where we are supposed to feel safe... and now... our state, a place we Love.... so much of it is beaten down, broken, or simply gone. One cant help but wonder, where do we start?

As tough Alabamians, we will pull up our boot straps, continue to press forward, rebuild and replant, because we are Alabama Proud. So I ask you please, as you look at footage on the news, pictures on the internet, you tube videos... keep in mind, these are just pictures to you but they are our home, and so many in our state are hurting. Try to see what shouldve been in the pictures and not just what our homes, businesses, churches, and schools were reduced to, merely a week ago. Then take a moment, pause, and try to think about how you would feel if it were your community. Maybe then, you can fully and truly understand what you are seeing in the pictures you are viewing.

Know that we send our Love and prayers to out everyone. And if you ever need to find any of us, we will still be here, in Harvest Alabama. Because this is our Home.... and we arent leaving.

Danny, “Personal Trainer”

2010-10-22T21:28:00.006-05:00

I would sit and encourage you
show you the right way
I would do it for nothing
for an hour of my day.

You said you didn't look good
You needed some help
I was the one who could help you
because I knew how you felt.

I saw you succeeding
I knew you could tell
until one day
when you nearly fell.

It was frightening to you
And I felt really bad
I didn't want you to leave
feeling afraid and mad.

I didn't know if you'd return
our next scheduled day
so I did all I could do
bowed my head and prayed.

Please help us move forward
In both training and as friends
so together will reach
our goal in the end.

Its important to me
to help her reach that dream
she has spirit and spunk
much more than she sees.

Nervously I waited
for that day to come
then she walked in with a smile
and I knew, in that moment, we'd won.

By Jordan C. Long
11th Grade English Class Assignment.

For My Mommy who fights for everything in her life;
and for Danny, who reminds her how to.

Changing

2010-09-24T14:38:00.003-05:00

I used to be afraid. Scared of the unknown.
Now I am nervous, but curious about whats next.
Someday I will be assured and fearless.

I used to say I cant, its too hard.
Now I say "Seriously?", and "I'll Try".
Someday I will smile and say "No Problem".

I used to wonder how I can do this alone.
Now I know I don't have to do it alone, because you are there.
Someday I wont need you to hold my hand to get me through,
but instead to walk with me just because we are friends.

I used to cry because I was alone, lost, and sad.
Now I cry as I realize I am "becoming".
Someday... I won't cry anymore.

I used to think Love was something someone gave to you.
Now I think Love is shared between people who understand each other.
Someday I will realize that Love begins by Loving and understanding yourself.

The Awakening

2010-08-04T19:07:00.004-05:00

Those first few steps are by far the hardest.
Warming up, getting the body moving,
Especially after a couple consecutive days to rest.
I believe it to be the most challenging part of the day.

My thoughts are soon redirected as I try a challenging new exercise.
Its difficult. It hurts. I feel weak and defeated before I ever get started.
The repetitions are intense. My body struggles with each new movement.
Foreign and new, I struggle with sloppy form at best.

I push on and get through the first set.
Feeling spent, my muscles already crying out to rest- - -
My mind tries to convince the physical me that we can push forward.
I can almost hear my body crying in disbelief.

Alas, my sheer will wins out, and I proceed with the second set.
These are harder than the first, my body fights me at every turn.
I try to block the thoughts to stop, quit, give up, you cant do this - - -
Yet as I begin to bend to my own defeat, the strength and will is given to me
by someone who believes in my potential, my capabilities, and sees so much more
than I can see in myself at this point. “Don’t Stop. You can do this. Don’t give up.”

Something in me doesn’t want to give up, doesn’t want to stop, and doesn’t want to
disappoint the one person who has vision beyond this physical moment,
the same moment which seems to consume me with defeat and hinder my progression.
So I push onward. Hard as it may be. All the while hearing the voice that reminds me,
Encourages me, and is indeed my biggest cheerleader.

My thoughts are a constant battle, everyday the same.
Part of me tells myself I am weak, I am old, I am tired, I can’t.
The more stubborn me battles back with the thoughts “I can, dig deep, don’t quit,
concluding with... just 5 more... then just 5 more... and again just 5 more...
This battle of my own will repeats over and over with every repetition.

As I round the end of each grueling workout
I conjure up the last little bit of energy and resilience I may have
and push through as hard and intense as I can.
Never relinquishing to the will of my weaker self.

Again I am reminded, why I trust in my trainer.
He knows I can accomplish great things
He pushes me to do so, proving it to me over and over again.
He knows I will fight hard, get mad, and push past my own limitations
just to prove to him, and to myself, that I can.

Dreams are the things we most hope for...
I have realized that sometimes we need a little help
perhaps a small nudge, or even a big push, in order to reach them.
It makes the dream no less important when we need a little help while reaching for it.

The Lord always knows what we can handle and what we need.
He puts Angels in our paths to pick us up, render support, encourage,
and sometimes just give us that swift kick in the rear to get us moving.

I always thought Angels were radiant beings, wearing luminescent robes
and having majestic wings. Little did I ever expect that my Angel
would be a tall young black man dressed in gym shorts,
His smile’s so bright it lights up a room, and his heart so big
that it radiates in his every gesture, his every look, his every word spoken.
He doesn’t need wings to fly...
And he reminds me of this, over and over again...
that I don’t either.

In all the months I have been working out, I have never been so consumed
By a thought, a feeling, or a realization, that hit me so fast or hard,
as the one that did today. Overwhelmed, I had to pull my car over on my drive home.
I could no longer see through the tears that were streaming down my face.
My shoulders shuddered as I hunched over the steering wheel.
Burying my face in my hands, I let it all out, and just cried.

Today, I saw a glimmer of Hope
Realizing a dream was in the making, and it shook me to the core.
Today I surpassed my limits, and understood the enormity of it.
This is by far, the biggest challenge I have ever faced.
For the first time, I really believe, I have the power to achieve....
More than I ever dreamed possible.

True Love

2010-02-20T13:39:00.003-06:00

True Love is not a romance novel, and it isn't living happily ever after.
It is not walking around on cloud nine, stolen kisses, and lustful glances.
Although these things are nice, they are not what real true love is about.

True Love is... Laughing freely.
It is a smile that crosses your face, when you don't even realize it because that special person is on your mind.
It is tireless days after long nights of never having enough time with one another.
It is missing that person moments after they have gone.
It is feeling ok with yourself because you know in your heart of hearts... in this moment... with this person... you are wonderful just the way you are.
It is saying I Love You and feeling it ache in the marrow of your bones because it feels so right.
It is in the moments we share, or that call you make at just the perfect time.
It is messages that lift our spirits, even when they don't contain anything of real substance.
It is looking forward to hearing that scratchy first words of the morning voice and loving how it sounds because you are the first person to hear it.
It is that silly thing I say that makes you laugh, or that silly thing you chuckle about before you say it, because you know it will make me laugh.
It is not wanting to go to sleep because you want just one more minute together.
It is a connection so deep and rare that it can never be replaced by another.

This is True Love. This is Us. This is You.

Moments of You

2010-02-19T13:48:00.006-06:00

You guide my thoughts
while I sleep and when I am awake.
You remind me that when I feel like giving up
miracles happen.
You renew my faith and show me hope.
There is a place where happiness lives, and it is obtainable.
You awaken Love and show me it has no end.
You remind me that through you, anything is possible.
You renew my soul in ways unimagined...
ways I never want to forget.

In Moments of you
I can find peace.
Love everlasting
Life Eternal.
In those moments of you
there is a place where I am free.

You held my hand in times of need
You comfort all my fears.
In you, I am whole,
no ties to bind me
no fear to hold me down
no cares in the world
just you, reminding me,
I am perfect in your sight.

In Moments of you
I can find peace.
Love everlasting
Life Eternal.
In those moments of you
there is a place where I am free.

Happily Ever After

2009-11-09T19:12:00.000-06:00

“Once Upon A Time” is how life begins, and “Happily Ever After” is how we are taught the saga plays itself out. If only real life were so simple. As impressionable young girls we are led to believe that fairy tales can and do exist. Forever is a real and tangible possibility. That Love is a lasting feeling that carries us through even the roughest spots in the road of life we travel. No one tells us about the potholes, the pitfalls, or the cliffs that will present along our journey into womanhood. As we take a spouse; believing that we have found that soul mate that will elate our souls giving wing and flight to carry us breathlessly and effortlessly through the journey which lies ahead. Never were we warned about the mundane existence that becomes the life of a woman as she falls into the world of motherhood and housework. Overwhelmed by the world that has immersed her soul, it is all she can do to keep her head above the drowning waters. Lost... a soul forgotten... tears find her as she lies down at night to sleep, Hoping beyond all hope that in her dreams she will find peace and tranquility that will help her make it through just one more day. This is her plea, her prayer, each and every night.

The heart yearns for just one moment in time that will carry her through. A touch, a glance, something tangible to hold on to and never let slip away. Something that is just enough to give her a glimpse of a fairytale long forgotten. She aches for that all encompassing feeling, that lives only in this moment, unable to ever be captured again. It takes your breath away yet at the same time breathes new life into a once ruined soul. It grants peace in the mere knowledge that perfect Love exists, no matter how fleeting it may be. It cannot be reproduced, although the heart yearns and suffers for that simplistic influence with every breath taken. It is indescribable, as words don’t begin to brush the edge of this divine emotion. Shared only by two people that have a deep connection that transcends all boundaries of heaven and earth. A voyeuristic journey into the soul, as though I am Alice peering through the looking glass in beguiling wonderment. This is true Love. This instance that gives life, expelling all else, and renewing the woman locked away within. Dreaming and hoping for a promise that was given her as a small child, something tangible that will overcome all opposition, and bring her to a place of rest. That place where eternity is real, where Love abounds, and fairy tales come true.

For not only myself, but for my daughters, and their daughters to come after them... for all those who are lost and yearning .... I wish for each of us, that one simple moment where truth prevails and that brief moment reminds us that Love is real, Love exists, Love is all encompassing. May it linger in our hearts and souls until the ends of time.

He Sat With Me

2009-09-10T07:16:00.007-05:00

I jolted awake from a dead sleep, physically shaking. Feelings as though the weight of the world had just been heaped on my shoulders, and my head was reeling trying to make sense of these sudden feelings. I don't recall dreaming, and for me, it is uncommon to not dream, and just as uncommon for me not to remember my dream. Dreams are vivid for me, in color and I very much feel like I am an active participant. At this moment in time, I have no recall of what woke me or why I feel so unsettled. But I do know, I have been involved in something very traumatic.

Gathering myself, I climb from bed and make rounds throughout the house to check on each child. All safe and sound, the doors still locked, the house is not on fire... yet I feel no comfort in this. What is it... why am I so upset and physically afraid? As I climb back into bed, trying to get passed this, I lay quietly, trying my hardest not to think and just drift back into a slumber. My efforts were fruitless. The longer I lay there in the darkness ans silence, the more I feel alone and despair, until the tears began to stream freely from my eyes.

My body wracked with sadness, aches and hurts physically. My heart is beating feverishly, feeling as though it could implode at any moment. Breathing is rapid and it almost hurts with every breath I take. My body is trembling as though something had frightened me terribly. All the while beside me, my husband slumbers unaware.

More tightly, I curl up, my hands in my hair, my arms covering my face... I am sobbing freely. My mind is spinning and I can't help but whisper to myself, "Please... help me." I am overwhelmed, I feel lost. I don't know why, but it scares me to the core of my being.

As I felt I was reaching the brink of losing all hope and sanity, ready to scream... I felt a tender hand reach for me... a hand stroked my hair and came to rest firmly yet tenderly on my back. My body relaxed a bit, and I was able to feel the comfort wash over me. Arms were wrapped around me drawing me into his chest... I could hear his heartbeat and it was soothing. His arms tightened holding securely and I felt his head bow to mine and rest there, never faltering. I was wrapped in warmth, relaxing in it, finding peace. There I lay as he held me... time immeasurable...Until finally I feel myself drifting back to sleep.

I take one last glance at my husband... he is still sleeping, hadn't moved an inch, facing away from me snuggled into his pillows. I curled further into the arms embracing me, those arms I couldn't see but felt with every fiber in my being...I closed my eyes....and slept.

I don't know how long I lay there in this wretched agony, completely fallen apart, and unable to shake the feelings. May have been minutes may have been hours. It seemed like forever. My head still cannot make sense of what woke me and why I was consumed by despair. Yet, I do know, that as I was lost in utter darkness, in my time of complete desperation, he came to me and sat with me. He wrapped his arms around me, releasing me of the anguish and pain and surrounding me in his Love.

Be Still My Heart

2009-08-23T21:46:00.003-05:00

There are days in this life's journey, when we wonder what we are even doing here in the first place. When you have one of those weeks... you know the ones... the car breaks down, a kid gets sick, another needs a significant amount of money for some activity that you forgot was coming up, and on top of it... 2 of your major appliances decide they have overextended their usefulness, and give up the ghost. Yes, I have these weeks all too often. Those horrible times when it tests your best resolve. This was one of those months for me. Seems to have been never ending. One thing after another. No reprieve in sight.

I like to think that after my initial "freak out" and "over stressed" moments, that I handle adversity quite well. My family and friends may have a different opinion on that particular point. Regardless, I still think that once I have had a chance to wrap my head around a situation, envision the outcome in my mind, I can readily find a solution.

This past week has been my "meltdown week". I say melt down as that is what my little guy has when he feels overwhelmed and cannot find a way to cope on his own. Unfortunately... we both had trouble this week. Tests and trials one after another kept filling my days. I don't know how I got through it. But somehow I came out the other end of my week with it all under control and issues resolved by the end of the day on friday.

On saturday I received an interesting package in the mail. It was a wonderfully written letter with sheet music and recording of the sheet music. The letter lifted my spirits as I read... "I have observed many great ladies. They with their wisdom, dignity, and presence are a great blessing to all around them. Their influence is quiet yet powerful. I have sensed that in you. Thank you for what you are."

I was awe struck. Me? This was talking about me? Although my idea of who I am, vastly differs, it was still very uplifting to hear from someone that they see this kind of wonderful in me. Large ideas to live up to, but perhaps... this person has seen in me those brief glimmers of someone who is 'some kind of wonderful'

My saturday chugged along with much to get ready for church the following day. I knew it would be a good sunday. I did not have a lesson this week, and my daughter was doing a special part of the lesson for the women in our ward. She had been practicing all week to sing in front of all these people. I knew she was nervous. But also knew she would do well.

Sunday came and my sacrament meeting didnt quiet turn out as I had planned. A new lady with 3 very small children was visiting. Her two year old made her way to where we were sitting, and I scooped her up in my lap and kept her entertained throughout the services. One of the young men in front of us entertained the older boy, and mom sat across the isle holding the fussy baby. As the services came to an end, the children left with their mother. One of our elderly sisters made a point to come and tell me how she had observed me, and filled my ears with praises. I guess this is what was being spoken to me about in that letter. It kind of took me aback. Yet, was also an eye opening moment.

Near the end of our time at church, My daughter and 2 other young girls were to sing for the womens class at the end of their lesson. I took her to the room and stood quietly in a corner as she prepared for her musical rendition. As the melody came out of her small frame, my heart skipped, my breath caught, and it was as if the heavens opened and angels were singing. The other girls sang well too, but it was my daughter who hit the high notes, pulling at the strings of our hearts. Beautiful did not begin to describe the feeling in that room, as many women wiped at their eyes as tears welled.

Sometimes we are given tests in life, the ones that test our resolve and push us to the brink where we don't think we can handle another moment. And then, there is the reward... and it doesn't come from finding a hidden fortune or just a small reprieve of peace. It often shows itself in others... the real reason we are here. The people whose lives I touch as they see me in service of others, the people who see greatness in me that I may not have noticed, and the simple joy I receive daily of being a mother. Bringing to life that special little girl of mine who touched a room full of ladies with her simple song.

Be still my heart... Life is good.

Letting Go

2009-08-22T18:52:00.002-05:00

In my arms, I held you close. I never thought I would have to let go---
Yet the days passed by so quickly, and you were leaving.

It felt like yesterday, you smiled at me, spoke my name, melted my heart---
I never thought the day would come that you would depart, but here it is.

We once walked together, holding hands, embracing, sweet kisses, all irreplaceable---
I never thought those days would come to an end, but they have.

We lived life with eyes wide, full of wonderment, each day another surprise---
I never knew it would hurt so bad to lose you, but it does.

I can only look back on the days gone by, all memories now---
I hold them close never letting go, will you too? I can only hope.

Spread your wings, experience life, new adventures await you---
I will watch from afar, as much as I want, I cannot journey with you.

My child you've grown, the years have flown by in a mere blink of the eye---
I'll miss you so as you venture out and experience life, my pride and joy.

Its my privilage to be your mother, the days I've spent all blessings as you grew---
I hope you know how much I Love you, with every fiber in my being, Always.

You will forever be my heart and soul---

You are my child---

Friendship

2009-08-20T19:23:00.000-05:00

Friendship
Breathes new life
Into an old soul
Renews a wavering faith
Lends hope
To a broken heart
Reassures
That tomorrow has
Endless possibilities.

Friendship is
An understanding
Transcending the limits
The boundaries
The fears
Of life’s expectations.

Friendship
Brings truth
Without judgment
An understanding in love
With empathy
Never pity.

A place
Of unconditional love
Never faltering
Always a place
Of comfort
Feeling like home.

The Nag

2009-08-20T19:13:00.003-05:00

Nag, Nag, Nag....
That's what he says to me
Unbeknownst to him
This is my destiny.

With the perils of the family
On my shoulders to rely
Responsibilities of home life
Is mine until I die.

Caring for the children
Cook and clean all day
Budget the finances
All the bills to pay.

My days last not eight hours
But well into the night
Finding peace and quiet
Is an unending daily fight.

I balance life and family
Ease the burdens he would bare
His words cut through my heart
As he calls me nag without a care.

Predestined for this calling
He heaps his woes on me
But forbidden be that I shall vent
A nag is all he sees.

Not a wife seeking validation
who is stressed beyond compare
He calls me nag if I suggest
A worry or a care.

Just a world of constant duties
As I run this home and life
Putting others needs before her own
Is a dutiful Mom and wife.

It's not the husband or the father
That bares the sacrifice
Just the nagging matriarch
Who's soul will pay the price.

What thanks is given to her
For the tasks she undertakes?
The title of the nag of course
The descriptive that she hates.

Webster’s defines the word itself
As feelings of anxiety
An overworked horse is also a nag
Perhaps, after all --- a fitting deity.

Allergic

2008-12-19T15:28:00.004-06:00

Every year we put up our lovely, yet very much fake, christmas tree. As the guys get the pieces all put in place, it is my job to "fluff" the thing. Not my favorite part as I am allergic to the synthetic needles. Every year I forget to put on long sleeves and I finish off with my arms broken out in a rash.

This year I am fluffing the tree and complaining how this is my least liked part of decorating for the holidays. Alex asks me, "Why Mom? I like the tree!" I tell him I am allergic to it. No reply from him leads me to believe he has understanding of my answer, or, more likely, didnt get it and has moved on. The latter being the more ususal in these cases.

As I am finishing up, I ask jake to get me some Germx for my arms, as I can already feel the itching coming on and I want to disinfect as quick as possible. He asked why I needed it, in which I reply again about my allergy to the needles.

OUT OF THE BLUE... Alex pipes in, with such emphasis, "Because SHES ALLERGIC!" A slight pause followed up with... "Shes lactose intolerant! DUH!"

So there you go. It explains it all. We all are still chuckling about it. Oh how I love that little guy!

All Finished!

Testing... testing...1... 2... 3...

2008-11-03T08:00:00.000-06:00

It never ceases to amaze me , the twists and turns that becomes the new direction in my life. I know, in my heart of hearts, that each turn is a new adventure, each twist is a new learning opportunity, each task is an opprotunity is some form or another... be is something for myself, or something I am to be the instrument in which to extend the opportunity.

As of late, I have turned yet another corner. It began with me believing that this new obstacle was a teaching opportunity for me. Wow was I ever wrong there! What an eye opening experience these past 4 weeks have been as I have come to realize that my part in this new adventure is but a small one. Yes, there are teaching opprtunities for me, in that I was correct. But there are so many more learning opportunites that I am receiving. I have realized how very small minded I was in thinking this was solely about me and what I had to offer.

As my prodigal son returned home after 8 years, It is quite an upheaval in the homelife as each of us face new tests before us. We dont know this young man anymore. he is not the person we remember, and the boy we all knew and loved, is buried so deeply, and long since forgotten, that we wonder if there is anyway to draw him back out. Moreso, is it even possible 'he' still exisits in there? Is it possible to scrape away any of the anguish, dispair, and societal influence that have corrupted and encased the young boy I once held in my arms and hugged so tightly? There is that part of me who holds out hope that I can brak through walls, that I can scrape away old scars, that I can rescue the trapped boy inside.... but another part of me sees this man before me, and I relinquish that hope and wish for any small moments I can snag along the way.

My other children have been effected by this upheaval in our routines. My boys no longer know their brother. Sibling bonds are nonexisitent anymore. It is like having a distant family member visiting ... for a very long visit. The most interaction any of them have, is watching a sports program on TV in the evening. They still prefer what their lives were before their brother arrived. Sure, they include him... to an extent... but for the most part, that is even awkward since their lifestyles and choices are complete opposites. The two little ones go on about things as if he isnt there most of the time. The moments do occur when the littlest one is intruded upon by his oldest brother. Being autistic, and having his own special routines and items that can not be used by anyone else, it can be a big upheaval in his day when his brother is ignorant to the inner workings around the home to accomodate the youngest.

As I try to encourage, uplift, guide, and teach... I find my patience weak and thinning. As a mother I want the trasformation NOW... I want MY son back 'now'... not 'later'... and the idea of 'not at all', is a haunting possibility. My boys try to bring the Gospel to their brother, and give him hope of new and great things that his life can hold. Such missionaries they are, and such examples to me they have become. How was I to know that I would see before me, two strippling warriors armed at the ready. It is hard to look at them as my baby boys when they sit erect, with scriptures in hand, teaching.

I sure have my work cut out for me. That is for sure. As I learn, I work, I grow, I listen, I teach, and I observe... I am growing myself. I reach for that word of HOPE again, and pray that my prodigal son has his eyes opened and can see that I too am growing and changing with him. I grasp for any HOPE that his heart will be softened and he will let in the love of his family and WANT to have all that is good restored to him. It is already there for the taking, he just has to reach for it. Again... I lean towards HOPE that he will have the strength to take that step and grasp ahold of that which has been offered... that he will realize how much he needs and wants it for himself... never again wanting to let go.

I close this muddled rambling with a simple prayer of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the opportunities and many facets of growth that our entire family has been given. I ask but simply, that his hand will guide us, that the spirit with strengthen us, that his Love will fill us.

May we all pass this test, and come out all the better for having lived it.

Today You Turn Eight

2008-09-18T07:48:00.000-05:00

Wasn't it just last year.... that I held you in my arms for the first time ever?

Wasn't it just last month.... when you said "Mama" for the first time?

Wasn't it just last week.... when I sat you in your high chair and gave you cheerios for a snack?

Wasn't it just a few days ago.... that you had your very first Daddy Date?

Wasn't it just yesterday.... that you dressed up in your big hat, got out all your stuffed toys, and had your first tea party?

Wasn't it just a minute ago.... that I wished I could keep you little for just a while longer....

The Adventures of Mr Gleam

2008-07-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

It was a hot and balmy evening in early June. The air was heavy with humidity that left one feeling like they had stepped into a steam room. The only real noticeable difference, no benches, no sweltering hot rocks to pour water over for steam, and no fat hairy men in towels. The sounds of hissing cicada bugs and the croaking of tree frogs filled the night air. It was all you could hear, even through the closed windows of the secure houses. Our air conditioning was set at 70 degrees to combat the evening humidity. A low hum in the background as the air conditioner cycled, was the icing on the cake when it came to the usual evening bravado.

It was nearly 8pm when it happened. A piercing scream came from the distance, from out of nowhere. A scream shrill enough to make your toes curl. None of us knew where it came from, but we knew someone had to find out.It only took moments before the scream became louder and the mystery was solved. A lovely young damsel was running screaming for help! She was beautiful... almost angelic! Her long blonde hair flowing behind her, like ripples on the ocean, as she ran. Her piercing blue eyes were filled with terror. Her fair skin, like new fallen snow, unblemished. As she ran by us, we quickly realized her screams of dismay. Close on her heels in hot pursuit was the Booger Man! (not to be confused with the Boogie Man) He ran behind her, finger extended with a globules mass affixed to it, cackling wildly "No Pass! No Pass!" In sheer horror, we gathered ourselves and loved ones, and ran for the nearest and safest places. Our hearts half beating out of our chests, we crouched low in dark corners hoping not to be spotted. Not wanting to be the next victims.

What I witnessed next was more than I could ever imagine to have witnessed in my lifetime. The young boy, peered over his glasses. He looked around to make sure he was alone. Not knowing I was watching, he reached up and removed them and cast them aside. In an instant he was transformed from a typical young boy into The Gleam! My surprise almost gave away my location as I gasped at what I had witnessed.

At once, he leapt into action, and immediately, chase gave way. "Come and get me!" he says with pursed lips, taunting the Booger man further. Feeling victory within his grasp, the Booger Man extends his booger laden finger towards The Gleam, and with a wry smile on his face sprang towards him in fervent delight! I was sure it was the end of Mr. Gleam! I was positive he would be wiped with the booger and helplessly bound with the "No Pass" rule. Instead, to my delight, out comes the most powerful weapon of our time! Mr. Gleam parts his lips and there it is!! A bright white gleaming smile! So bright, it blinds the Booger Man, and he shrinks away into the darkness, muttering... "We will meet again!"

We all came out from the shadows and cheered wildly for Mr. Gleam. He whips out his toothbrush, brushes his teeth, and waves as he disappears into the night. We were saved!!

I will never forget this night. Perhaps, it didn't exactly happen in the manner I have recounted. Perhaps it is instead a simple game, between a father and his kids, called the booger game. One feigns a nose pick and wipes it on another, yelling "no pass" , giving them immunity from that person's retalliation. The fair damsel, our daughter, running wildly away from daddy as he attempts to get her. And perhaps, the 'Clark Kent' of the story, glasses and all, is my 6 yr old son, getting ready for bed in the midst of this game. And although, it may have been a simple 5 minute joust between them, I am sure my recollection recited above is more like the story my 6 year old son remembers of that night. As he flashed his smile at his dad, making a 'gleaming' sound effect, repelling his father who is then unable to make the dreaded booger wipe. He becomes the hero as daddy feigns blindness from his newly brushed teeth. For myself, I think I prefer my sons version; my little super hero, with gleaming white teeth for his super power. For I know, in a not so distant future, Mr. Gleam will be a thing of the past, and my super hero son will be mortal once again.

Rain's Gifts

2008-05-27T18:55:00.000-05:00

The rain fell.
Leaving behind slippery walks
muddy ground
and puddles.

I walk carefully on the concrete walk
hoping beyond all else
that I may not slip and fall.
Slick it is, and grace
is not in my realm of being.

My son, sees not the danger in falling
the possibility of hurting himself
nor the humiliation of the event.
The idea of walking around
with a wet smudge on the backside
of his britches is not one of embarrassment
but instead a badge of honor.

He slides... as far as he can,
holding tightly to my arm
with both his small hands
giddily giggling as we go.
In painful slow motion I watch
down he goes
I grab for him
trying to cushion his fall.
His belly laughs befall us
as my heart lingers in my throat.
Up he goes
to his feet
to try it again.

Puddles appear in front of us.
Sloshing is not in his mind.
The glistening of the sun
peeking out behind a cloud
amuses him most
as reflections dance on the surface.
Visions of color and rainbows capture him;
he moves in and out to see new shades
and shapes appear in the puddle.
He smiles at the glistening of the water.

Onward we trod
each step taking us closer
to the destination I had in my mind.
Not so much the one he was envisioning.
I see it... and can only sigh
I know what is coming.
He is running now,
full speed ahead...
Mud.

Does he jump? No. He doesn't.
I would have expected one of the other boys...
actually, all of the three older boys
and even perhaps one of his sisters,
to jump in and drench their jeans and shoes.
This child, surprizes me.
He did not jump.
He squats, and runs a hand through the silt
feeling the grit and the smoothness
running it through his fingers
looking it over and over
front and back of his hand
only to stick his hand back in it and emphatically
remark... "EWWWWWW!!!"

I look at him with surprise.
Ewwww? I wonder what he is thinking.
He giggles and in two words makes all things clear
"Peanut Butter."
A curiosity envelops me
and I join him.
Running one hand into the mud
feeling the slippery mud
pulling my hand carefully up,
letting the grit and the smoothness
run through my fingers.
He is right,
indeed, it is peanut butter.

I smile at him as I take him by the clean hand
words are not neccessary
as we have learned his direction
is easily diverted .
We go inside and wash up.

I reflect at this short journey.
One taking a mere 10 minutes of my day;
one he will not be able to tell daddy about later...
the limitations of his Autism
will indeed make sure of that.
A moment in time, shared with only me....
Forever locked away in his mind,
Forever cherished in my heart.

My Two Cents

2008-05-22T16:37:00.000-05:00

I suppose my two cents wouldn't get very far in this day and age, if it was of any monetary worth. Since it isn't, I can only hope that someday, perhaps not all that far in the future, my two cents will ring in the ears of my children and help them find their way through various life situations. I may not be a scholar. I don't pretend I could even compare to the great writers or philosphers of ther world. But... I am a mother, with more expertise in life with children than any William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, or even Dr Spock! Who better knows the inner workings of a childs mind, their habits, their needs... than a mother? After all, I have been there for every scrape, scratch, stitch, bump, bruise, fever, heartache, heartbreak, accomplishment or failure, milestone, leaps and bounds.

I can see my daughter muttering to herself, "I cant believe I just said that!" as she uses one of my old cliches. I also believe that day will come for both my girls when they would swear they opened their mouths and my voice came out! I have done this myself, hearing my own mothers voice. As for my sons... Inevitably they will hear my obnoxious tone reverberating off the walls of their skulls. Sadly for them, they will have their own wives to contend with and her mothers two cents as well.

Two cents... not worth much... but priceless all the same.

Gift of the Spirit

2008-04-19T10:24:00.000-05:00

... Like a breath of fresh air,
when you feel like you are suffocating.
... Like a flickering light,
when there is no moonlight and darkness overwhelms.
... Like cool clean water,
when I am hot and parched with no relief in sight.
... Like a warm soft blanket,
wrapped around your shoulders when you need comfort and warmth.
... This is my faith, the spirit of the Lord that guides me through my days. It sustains me, comforts me, testifies. It teaches me, guides me in making positive choices, fulfills my spiritual needs.
... Just like Air, light, water, or a warm blanket each do on a physical plain, I am also provided for on an emotional and spirtual plain.
...for this, I am thankful.

Mom, A Gun, and the Fearless Watchdog

2008-03-28T07:28:00.000-05:00

Alleah and Alex had just arrived home from school. I had hung up the phone with husband only 5 minutes before. He was out of town on business, but called to tell me he would be flying in and be home around 5pm tonight. I start going through backpacks and getting homework out, when from the corner of my eye I notice the dog staring at the house and not moving. He was perched by his tree a good 20 feet from the porch. Odd for him as he would rather be on the porch. With 3 large windows on the back wall, it is typically a game of hide and seek with him as I move window to window. Mimicing this typical play, I thought I would catch his attention; today...to no avail. Now I am curious as to what he is watching. It had to be something. This big 6 month old yellow lab puppy, big as a small horse, that barks at everything thinking it's someone or something there only for his amusement, laid motionless, ears cocked forward, on the porch this morning around 8 am, as 3 deeer walked quietly through the back yard. Never once did he move or make a sound. So now my curiousity is peaked. I saw no deer in sight, but I knew he had to be watching something. When I saw what it was, I wished I wasnt so curious!

Coming straight for the back door was a big black snake. I had never seen a snake this size before! It was a virtual python in my opinion! I screamed. Alleah ran upstairs afraid it would come inside and eat us. Alex just wanted to see it so he could say "Ewwwwww!!", and the dog... the good watch dog he is... sat and ... well... watched. I gather my courage, take a broom and sweep at it scaring it off the porch. Each swipe of the broom I am jumping back in the house and shutting the door. I am amazed at my courage to do even this! He slithers off the side of the deck. I go out now, thinking it is safe, and look around to see where it went, figuring it slithered off somewhere. Hopefully never to be seen again.I watch for my older boys getting home to let them know to stay out of the grass and walkup the middle of the drive, as we have a HUGE snake out in the yard somewhere. Both boys upon hearing this, ran for the house.

The dog had moved back to the porch now, and I begin telling the boys what transpired. As I am going on emphatically with my story, I notice the dog is...well...'watching' again. I say out loud... "that thing isnt back is it?" I proceed to walk window to window to see what had caught his attention. I see nothing. I open the door slowly incase it is out of my vision line off to one side or something, when lo and behold... there it was! NEXT TO THE DOOR!!!! I slammed the door, shaking and shivering from the heebie jeebies yet with hopes the slam would scare it away. To my dismay, it didn't. For the next 15 minutes I run around looking for a gun and ammunition. I put a chair next to the door to stand on (I am not standing on the ground for goodness sakes!) and then send the kids upstairs. Tanner goes out front to call the dog, so I dont shoot him should my aim be off or the snake should make a run for it... or would that be a slither for it? Anyway, I crack the door, stick the muzzle of my rifle out, take quick aim, close my eyes and squueze. BANG! I slam the door, catch my breath and then open it back up a crack to take a look. I hit it in the back. Its now writhing around and and is unable to slither away. I wait a second, it stills and I take aim again. BANG! A shot right through its head. Its dead. My children praise me like I am a big game hunter and jump for joy that the crisis is over. Mom killed the intruding reptile. The boys remarked at what a good shot I am in awe, not knowing my ability to shoot a gun.

I leave our intruder on the porch for my husband to see when he gets home. I wasnt about to touch it after all. That is a little too far out of my realm of heroics. The fearless watch dog is perched 20 feet away behind his tree once again, peeking out, and refuses to come back to the porch. I wonder if he is thinking "That crazy lady is going to shoot me if I get on her porch!". He didnt come back down until after my husband got home, measured, and then disposed of the snake. It was 4 feet 5 inches long with a good 2 inch body diameter. It was blackish gray, and was told was a rat snake. My husband explians to me the difference between the snake I shot and the venomous and agressive 'like version' that is also common in our area. I had to chuckle. If it is close enough for me to tell the difference, then it is too close for my comforts, and had better be dead.

I am hoping that I dont have many more run in's with any other snakes, and that his relatives don't plan on coming to pay their last respects. But just in case, I am off to buy more ammunition.

The Stopping Post

2008-03-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

We are all at different stopping points along this journey,
even though we are all striving to get to the same place.
Much like the Early Saints, and their journey to the Great Salt Lake,
many took different routes to get there, others stayed behind to ready stopping
points for the Saints who would follow behind. The question is...
what are you doing to ready the stopping point you are at, for the Saints
who will come behind you?

I believe our testimonies are one of the greatest gifts that we have
been blessed with. It doesnt cost you a thing to share it, yet the cost
to obtain it was well worth the trials we paid for it. Its a gift of such value
that it it only improves with age and grows as you share it.

Release

2008-03-10T21:34:00.000-05:00

"There is a release that comes when conquoring the unknown, giving freedom and flight beyond your wildest dreams." ~CM Beauty Johnson

As I begin a new chapter in my life, I can't help but be a little fearful, excited, and yet regretful all at the same time. Afraid of the unknown, excited about the possibilities that lie before me, and regretful of the goals that fell by the wayside missing their own accomplishing moments in this journey.

Stepping forward I see a wealth of opportunities. Spiritual growth is an important part of this journey, and dictates where I will one day end up when all is said and done. I see milestones of my children as they jump from childhood into adulthood, and I look back at how quickly the time has passed. How I wish I could savor just one more moment of that 3 year old daughter (now age 20) who clumsily ran the bases of the baseball diamond in the wrong direction, or that 2 yr old son (now age 19) who would climb on top of anything without a fear in the world. I look into the eyes of my 16 yr old and see a man on the verge of breaking through and just wanting to hold it off for a while longer. I see a young teen struggling for his place between childhood and responsibility, with my heart wanting to scream out "Pick Childhood!!!" My 7 yr old daughter, a little mother herself. I see in her all the things she sees in me and pray for the guidence to be a good example, as I know she is always watching and learning. My 6 yr old Autistic son... the one who will undoubtedly stay young the longest. He brings a unique joy to our family and to my heart like no other. The world seen through his perspective... a new and exciting wonder. Lastly and surly not least... the 9 month old grandson. Oh how my heart leapt as I became for the first time 'Gramma'. You think your cycle is over in the regards of child rearing when you have your last... and then there is the joy of grandparenting. A new adventure in its own right.

I look at my friendships. I see those who come along for short times and bless my life by just having known them. I have friends who are lifelong... these are few... but are a richness beyond measure. New friends that I know not what their station will become, but for now have been a comfort and companionship as we find where the road takes us.

So today, I ready myself for the Release. The letting go of old hurts, the wiping away of negativity, the discarding of failures. It's a time of release in every sence... a time to begin and to embrace challenges and to really put my heart and self into them... so in the next 40 years I can feel the accomplishments more than failures, and be ready to move forward to an awaiting celestial glory.